Depression

I’ve suffered with depression my whole life and have never taken anything for it, I must always rely on myself to get me up out of the dumps because like always “nobody understands”. It’s so easy to tell someone that they should focus on what they do have and not about what they can’t do or don’t have. Sometimes what you do have can’t pay the bills, it won’t help you protect and keep you family in a safe environment. It will not bring the sunshine back.

“What’s the point of it all?” I have never found the answer to that question, sometimes I just ignore the question but it is always there nagging at the back of my head, poking me when I am most vulnerable, What IS the point of it all?? I wish I knew, wish I could answer that question once and for all so that I never have to face off with it again. People will try to tell you the point of it all but their answers mean nothing because they aren’t you, how can they tell you what they don’t know, I’ve often wondered how someone who doesn’t live your life or even went through what you have can tell you what the point is, their words are like salt on an open wound continuously pouring and causing pain and they do it with an oblivious look in their eyes and a smile on their lips.

I’m a pessimist at heart, I don’t know how to change that or if I can, I’m 27 and pretty much set in my ways, be flexible they say but have you ever tried to bend a old rubber band? It either loses it’s shape and is no longer useful or it breaks. I think that’s what my problem is, I’m trying to change and losing my shape, I’m no longer the me who used to smile and laugh, I’m no longer the girl who used to dream. I try to change to become what other people want and I have become a miserable weak creature.

“It will be better” What is better? How will I know when it’s better, who can tell me it’s better? The same people who tell me to focus on what I have? It will become better when I get what I need? But I’m not suppose to focus on what I don’t have so once more how will I know…
Of course I am an argumentative person and nothing you say will change my mind, like a toxic mixture I am doomed to self destruction.

I hate this feeling, I hate it so much, I feel helpless to do anything, I want to do something so bad and yet I don’t know what I want to do. Watching Naveen helps a bit, his little toothless smiles cheer me up, watching his play with his toes, concentrate so hard to grab something and he does it with the same facial expression his father gets when he’s doing something, makes me smile.

I think I’ll go hold my little boy while he’s still a little boy and just take this one day at a time.

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