Guess who’s two months?!

Yes guys, just like that Oyanie made two months!

She actually made two months yesterday and I forgot to post it.

*my bad*

Madame Oyanie can roll from her belly onto her back but had yet to master rolling from her back to her belly. She smiles occasionally and never when I have my camera. I’ll get a picture one day…

She is starting to”talk” to us but she prefers to stare with those big beautiful eyes.

I honestly can’t believe it’s been two months already, it feels like she’s been here forever.

Growth spurts are fun

It’s almost 3am and my one month old is still fighting sleep, we’ve been battling for a good two hours, she’s been fed, burped and has a clean diaper. I rock her and her eyes close but as soon as I put her down she cries so I have to start again. I want to cry. I’m running on empty and trying my hardest but it doesn’t seem to be enough.

Finally, after what seems like forever she settles down and falls asleep.

It’s 6am, husband is getting up to get ready to go to work and because I’m a light sleeper I’m awake. I’m fatigued and hope I can get back to sleep. It takes a while but I manage it.

It’s 8am and my son is waking up, he opens his bedroom door which makes a sound and wakes me up. I’m bleary eyed and tired but I know he’ll watch TV and he has everything he needs to make a sandwich so I stay in bed.

I can’t fall back asleep, I want to so badly but it’s not happening, I pick up my phone and check my notifications, I scroll through Facebook, Instagram, Reddit, and my various genealogy and social sites. The baby is squirming I know she’ll be up soon.

My son is playing a video game and he’s not winning, I can tell from his anguished screams, my nerves start to fray. It’s 10am, I think about my life choices and how I ended up here.

Time passes and the baby is now awake and looking for food.

It’s time to get up and start our day.

Confinement

Hey! Welcome back!

Today I’m going to talk about being in confinement after giving birth. While I was in the hospital Naveen was on break from school and Marvin was home from work so I didn’t have to worry about who would watch him.

When I got out of the hospital it was time for Naveen to go back to school but he had a cold so he went one day and was sent home the next and stayed home on Friday. We thought he’ll be fine to go on Monday but then the schools were closed and Naveen never got to go back to school.

We could still go out at that point so we would go for walks which was important for me since I had to walk for my recovery from the C-section. It was good to be outside feeling the cool air and not being cooped inside the house or stuck in there hospital. I stayed there for a while week!

Everything was ok and then we went into confinement, stay home unless you absolutely need to go out, have your attestation of you will be fined, we stayed inside. Naveen didn’t understand why he wasn’t going to school and why we couldn’t go to the park or see his grandparents.

I tried to explain to him in a way he would understand and I think he got it.

My husband is still working during the pandemic so it’s just me, Naveen, and Oyanie. Due to Oyanie waking up every two hours at night to eat we usually stay in bed until afternoon. I try to get a little extra sleep but I’m still so very tired when we get up to go downstairs. Sometimes Naveen comes into the room and lay in the bed with Oyanie and me but he’s mostly up early and downstairs. I try to make sure that he has something to eat and occupy himself with.

While I’m taking care of the baby I sometimes wonder if I’m neglecting Naveen and try to include him or I’ll put the baby down to give him extra attention. It’s hard having two kids especially now when the baby is so small and need so much more of my attention.

Naveen has been a good big brother though, he always asks me if I need help and will bring bottles upstairs for me, reach diapers and wipes, he kisses his sister and wants to hold her.

He will sometimes feed her so I can make myself something to eat or when I need to do something else.

I think I’m adjusting well to having two children especially in these strange times. If I’m being honest I’ve been suffering a bit from being stuck at home, given how my pregnancy went where I was stuck at home with only doctor visits as my time outside its only a given that I’d go stir crazy without a reason to go outside. I miss the air and the sun and I wish things go back to normal soon.

Before I forget to mention it Oyanie made one month on March 22, one month already it seemed like I just had her. Time is going by so fast.

My C-section experience

Welcome back!

Today I’m going to talk about my C-section experience.

When I found out I only had two options either attempt a breech birth or have a C-section I was numb, I researched breech births like crazy and they are such a gamble. “What if my baby’s head got stuck in pelvis?” this was the biggest question on my mind and I just wasn’t comfortable with the idea that it could happen.

I asked my husband what he thought the C-section was the better choice.

It was decided, I’d have a C-section, sure there was a chance that the baby could turn down on her own but there was a bigger chance of me going into labor with her still being breech. A scheduled C-section was the way to go.

February 20 and we’re in the hospital for a routine check-up, they check to see if baby had turned but she was still breech, here is where it gets crazy…

The doctor calls in for me to have my C-section tomorrow!

I thought I would have more time to get used to the idea and read up on after care and all that but no, they just drop that bomb on me.

I’m not going to lie but I cried, I was scared, I had to stay in the hospital and wait for my C-section.

There I was in a room all alone with so many thoughts going around in my head. I was not expecting this and I didn’t know how to handle this situation. I tried to relax as much as I could and get some rest.

It’s the next day and I’m waiting for my husband to arrive, the nurses came into the room and wheel me down to check if baby is still breech, she’s still in her cozy spot under my ribs, I’m wheeled back to my room and told to shower with Betadine.

I’ve showered and in the hospital gown when my husband and mother-in-law arrive, now we wait for them to take me to the Operating Room.

We wait and we wait but nobody is coming, finally in the afternoon someone comes and says that there were emergencies so my C-section won’t happen today. I’m spending another night in the hospital alone.

Here I am again, another morning full of nerves waiting to get taken to my first surgery, nurses come and go, I’m waiting for Marvin to arrive, I’m terrified of being taken to the OR without him, a nurse comes to the room and tells me I’ll go in the afternoon, all I can do is sit and watch the clock.

Marvin walks into the room and I’m relieved, I won’t be alone after all! I let him know that they said the operation was going to be in the afternoon. So we wait.

A little after noon two male nurses come to wheel my bed down to the OR, they take me down corridors, into the elevator, and finally to the OR waiting room, Marvin wasn’t allowed in and I wouldn’t see him again until I was taken into the actual OR.

While I’m in the waiting room the nurses are asking me questions and getting me ready for the operation. All this time I don’t know where Marvin is or if I’ll see him before the C-section.

The nurses transfer me from my bed to this table like gurney and wheels this into the OR, I see Marvin and the nurses start prepping for the surgery.

It’s time to get the spinal and I’m shaking, it’s a needle in my spine, with my needle phobia I’m a wreck. I have to bend really far forward and they warn me that I’d feel a prick. It was like a bee sting, this was followed by pressure and they lay me down. I started to feel a cool sensation in my lower region, my feet felt heavy but I could still wiggle them a bit. I was scared I was going to feel them cutting into me.

Up went the curtain, a cap was placed on my head, oxygen was put into my nose, I felt detached from my surroundings. I guess somewhere in my floating they placed a catheter because I did not feel it at all.

I’m just there watching the blue curtain and occasionally feeling a tug on my body when I hear a baby cry, I’m almost in tears but I hold it in. I cried enough.

They bring her around the curtain and place her next to me.

My daughter, she was out, the first thing I thought was that I wouldn’t feel her head in my ribs anymore.

Now they’re going to stitch me up, I watch Marvin walk off with the baby and it was back to staring at the blue curtain until they finished. They roll me out of the OR and quickly transfer me back to my bed.

They want me to move my feet but they won’t cooperate. I feel like I’m in Kill Bill, I kept telling myself wiggle your big toe. I’m not sure how much time passed but finally I could move my toe and then my feet, once I could move both my legs it was back to my room.

Once back in my room I see Marvin and Oyanie waiting for me.

I’m still not feeling my lower region completely and a nurse removed the catheter, I’m supposed to get up and pee on my own.

My legs feel like rubber and they’re shaking like crazy but I managed to stand up with the help of the nurse, I’m unable to pee so she makes me drink a lot of water and promises to return in an hour.

A hour passes and the nurse is back, she helps me stand again and once more I try to pee, this time it’s a success.

During all of this my incision is painful and I’m taking all the meds they give me.

I can’t help but compare it to my vaginal delivery and wish I had been able to have another one.

I’m Back!

It’s been a while since I posted on here. Let’s do a quick recap of all that has happened.

• Found out I had Gestational Diabetes
• Found out baby was breech/transversal
• Was put on insulin
• Tried to change baby’s position, it failed
• Had a C-section
• Country went into lockdown

As you can see it’s been a pretty wild ride. Since we are in lockdown I’ll be writing about each of these instances with a little more information.

Here’s to the coming weeks of isolation and writing!

Baby Clothing Sizes

I am annoyed, I am very annoyed, I am so annoyed that I am blogging about what is annoying me!

Baby clothes are cute and they come in all kinds of sizes for the many different aged and sized babies but and this is a very big but, why aren’t all clothes made by weight instead of age? Maybe some people don’t know how much their baby weigh but know how old they are. Fair enough but, not all babies born in the same month are the same size. My own baby is 4 months old and he wear 6 months and 6-9 months and very few 3-6 months…do you see the inconsistency of this? Why is he wearing so many different sizes? Because people have different sizing measurements for the different months.

You have to be on your toes when buying baby clothes because no two clothing label will fit the same and if you think oh my son wears a 3-6 because they say a 3 month or a 6 month old can fit it then you are in danger of losing money. Your baby could gain so much weight that the clothes he wore at 3 months will be too small at 4 months even if it was a 3-6 month. It’s like you have to buy in every size just so your baby won’t be out of clothes by next week and baby clothes are not cheap, I have spent less for my own clothing than I had to spend for my son, I don’t mind because I can get by he can’t because he doesn’t have years of clothes in his drawer but I am on a very tight budget and before you say shop online, not everyone ships to the Virgin islands and yes that includes clothing too, I know because I am always knackered over finding a very good sale and choosing things then going to check out only to find something saying “Sorry! We don’t ship to your current location.” don’t get me worked up on that subject, that is a blog for another day!

I am so frustrated by this because I had way more 3-6 than I had 6-9 and my poor son is only 4 months old and already too big for all the clothes he has. I think if it was done by weight instead I’d have more of a chance to keep more clothes longer, little man has steadily gained since he was born and it’s always 1-2 lbs in a month. Monday is his 4 month checkup and I’ll see if my guess is right and he’s a good 15-16 lbs or heavier.

Phew…..steam released, I feel better, now all I have to do is go out shopping for more clothes in bigger sizes and hope he doesn’t outgrow them too soon.

Depression

I’ve suffered with depression my whole life and have never taken anything for it, I must always rely on myself to get me up out of the dumps because like always “nobody understands”. It’s so easy to tell someone that they should focus on what they do have and not about what they can’t do or don’t have. Sometimes what you do have can’t pay the bills, it won’t help you protect and keep you family in a safe environment. It will not bring the sunshine back.

“What’s the point of it all?” I have never found the answer to that question, sometimes I just ignore the question but it is always there nagging at the back of my head, poking me when I am most vulnerable, What IS the point of it all?? I wish I knew, wish I could answer that question once and for all so that I never have to face off with it again. People will try to tell you the point of it all but their answers mean nothing because they aren’t you, how can they tell you what they don’t know, I’ve often wondered how someone who doesn’t live your life or even went through what you have can tell you what the point is, their words are like salt on an open wound continuously pouring and causing pain and they do it with an oblivious look in their eyes and a smile on their lips.

I’m a pessimist at heart, I don’t know how to change that or if I can, I’m 27 and pretty much set in my ways, be flexible they say but have you ever tried to bend a old rubber band? It either loses it’s shape and is no longer useful or it breaks. I think that’s what my problem is, I’m trying to change and losing my shape, I’m no longer the me who used to smile and laugh, I’m no longer the girl who used to dream. I try to change to become what other people want and I have become a miserable weak creature.

“It will be better” What is better? How will I know when it’s better, who can tell me it’s better? The same people who tell me to focus on what I have? It will become better when I get what I need? But I’m not suppose to focus on what I don’t have so once more how will I know…
Of course I am an argumentative person and nothing you say will change my mind, like a toxic mixture I am doomed to self destruction.

I hate this feeling, I hate it so much, I feel helpless to do anything, I want to do something so bad and yet I don’t know what I want to do. Watching Naveen helps a bit, his little toothless smiles cheer me up, watching his play with his toes, concentrate so hard to grab something and he does it with the same facial expression his father gets when he’s doing something, makes me smile.

I think I’ll go hold my little boy while he’s still a little boy and just take this one day at a time.

Aww Shucks, I’m 27!

So last week Monday was my birthday and I didn’t do anything for it, I was fine with it since the Sunday we went to the agricultural fair and spent three hours there, I had him in his carrier and walking around was fine but standing in one place is the big problem, especially when he falls asleep.
When he falls asleep in that carrier all his weight pulls down on my back and shoulders and I have to sit, luckily we were able to get a picnic table to sit and eat so I got to rest my back for a while. I can’t believe how big he got too, when I first started to put him in the carrier two months ago his head was not visible above the top, now my little baby can see over the top and look at everything, pretty soon he will be able to turn around in the carrier and look out instead of inwards.

Yesterday, I was watching all the cardboard I had stashed away (Yes, I am a bit of a hoarder, I always think, let me keep this I can use it) and thought I would make a board game for my nieces. The ideas started pouring in after that initial thought, I developed characters, I found a good board layout, simple and easy because my nieces are 3-8 and anything too long they lose interest in. As far as the characters, I know how those girls are and they fight tooth and nail over what they think is the best character so I let them help design their own character so they will always have a character to play with and they won’t be stuck with one they don’t like. I’m still working on a name for the game, the object of the game, the rules, and the game play.
I’m actually enjoying the development stage of the game, it makes me feel like I’m doing something instead of sitting around waiting for work.

My other project on the other hand is moving pretty slow, I finished the first chapter very fast but now the second chapter is fighting to come out, I know I just need to find a quiet place to concentrate and write but right now that seems to be unlikely to happen. Little man is not happy to sit and play, he’s more interested in being held so he can stand and bounce. He hates sitting, he hates laying down, oh no my almost 4 month old baby wants to stand and he just can’t because his neck muscles still aren’t fully developed and my arms get too much of a workout dealing with his bouncing.

In a few years you might hear all about my famous son who is a big time ballet dancer in France. Heavens know the boy has the leg muscles for it. I can see him now in his white leotard, twirling and leaping across the stage and Mama being so proud tears flow from her eyes.

To be truthful this was suppose to have been posted a day after my birthday but I’ve been so busy that I only now got the chance to finish the post. That boy just does not let me do anything anymore. I haven’t combed my hair in weeks, I have to end this here because once more duty calls!

Birthday with a new baby

In exactly 5 days it will be my 27th birthday and I have no clue what to do to celebrate it. I have never really celebrated my birthday, it has always been just another day and gets me depressed, last year I had one of the best birthday surprises I have ever gotten in my whole life. A trip to France. I don’t know if I would trust going on another trip since that is how Navi was conceived. I love Navi but I do not love pregnancy or labor.
I’m not even sure that it will be a good birthday just for the fact that I did something so amazing last year, how can I top going to France? I did so many things I have never done in my life before and will probably never get to do again.

I figured I’d go to our Agricultural fair with Navi and that’s it, I mean there isn’t any restaurant that I’m dying to go to, no club I am even remotely interested in seeing, nothing that is really calling out to me. Maybe that’s my problem, I’m so used to doing nothing that when I get a chance to do it I can’t find the enthusiasm for it.
As the day gets closer and closer I am becoming even more depressed,who really gets excited about getting another year older.

I think I will make myself some cupcakes, or buy a cake, I am so not interested in making my own cake, there is just no satisfaction to be had from that, I can’t even pretend to be surprised that I got a cake or cupcakes because I would be the one doing it.

All I can do is wait and see what the day brings me.

Teething is a nightmare.

My poor baby, he is suffering from this horrible affliction called teething. He wakes up in the middle of the night rubbing my gums furiously and crying his heart out, I try to help him with the teething toy, a cold wash cloth, anything people tell me and he’s still so miserable.

For the past two days this has been going on and I have had no sleep (When do I get sleep?!) and it is taking its toll on me. Today when he had a nap I was going to nap too so I laid down and felt sleep coming on slowly….he wakes up and cries. I held him and rocked him back to sleep, I left him there in my arms and fell asleep with  him, we got a good 2 hour nap and I felt awesome!!
After that nice long nap, he drank like he had never seen milk before, I took it as a sign that he wasn’t sick because I did have a little worrying thought that maybe he had gotten the cold from his cousins. Speaking of cousins, I was watching my youngest niece Yaya who is making 8 months soon while trying to watch little Navi. Kudos to you parents with twins because I don’t know how you manage two under one. I was wearing Navi in his carrier and pushing Yaya in her stroller, not so bad but when you release the beast (Yaya) she is creeping everywhere and I mean everywhere! I was holding on to Navi and trying to keep her from dive bombing off the bed, keeping her hands away from his hair. Don’t hit him Yaya! He’s too small for that! I was only too happy when my sister came back for her little minion.

Now I’m going to get started writing on a project I have been thinking of doing, it’s a bit challenging trying to write when Navi is up but he likes to listen to music like Mami and his stuff kangaroo is a pretty good talking buddy.